A Little Bit of Schadenfreude: The Fire Mark May Uber-Roundtable

The always fantastic Fire Mark May has proposed a set of questions for those of us who are so inclined. I am such a person. (Note: I am not a member of blogpoll, but I'm going to act like I am. I've got my eyes on the prize.)

Your Home Field Advantage

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

Um, the Allied Athiest Alliance?

In all seriousness, as a result of 2002-04, there are now two rabid factions of the Iowa fanbase. The "Win or Lose, We Still Booze" crowd really doesn't care about results, just as long as the tailgate continues. The more delusional "Potential National Champions" crowd wants to ignore all aspects of school size, recruiting base, location, and an aging in-state population and expects nothing less than 10 wins per season. This faction did not exist prior to the Capital One Bowl win over LSU. Whether you side with the alcoholics or the just plain crazy (and I have tendencies to get with both, depending on the circumstances), you have to hate the splitters.

In this case, the splitters are the "Up With Douchebags" crowd. These are the people who cheer for Iowa State and Nebraska and Minnesota when they aren't playing Iowa. They are generally from rural central Iowa, have a kid at State or a spouse from Minneapolis, and usually get hit with the empty 40 oz. beer bottles kicked down the street by yours truly after a loss. These people are not to be trusted, like someone who claims to like both Son Volt and Wilco.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

Come to Blain's Farm & Fleet with your Iowa/ISU ticket stub and receive 10% off a Carhart jacket. You get more...at Farm & Fleet. The only other option would be Old Style beer, the choice of a true tailgater.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Hamburg Inn omelets. Because nothing caps five hours of binge drinking before an 11:00 a.m. kickoff quite like eight eggs, ham, cheese, and hash browns. All together, as God meant them to be. $6, tax included.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

This monstrosity would have to go:


There aren't many places in America where a man who died 64 years ago is revered like Nile Kinnick in Iowa City (the only place I can think of is North Wilkesboro, NC, where Senator Robert Byrd was born; Byrd died 57 years ago, but nevertheless continues to be elected by the great state of West Virginia). The guy was a Heisman trophy winner, a fighter pilot (he died in a training flight crash near Venezuela), a school president, and a law student. He even won the AP Sportsman of the Year in 1939, beating out such two-bit losers as Joe DiMaggio and Joe Louis. A statue in his honor outside the stadium that bears his name is not only proper, it's damn near essential. So when the administration unveiled this statute of what appears to be a Miss Bliss-era Zach Morris and told us it was Kinnick, most of us vomited a little in our mouths.

The replacement statue? Well, I like to think of Kinnick with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

Ron Zook is being investigated for alleged recruiting violations. While the NCAA first became suspicious when Zook signed a Top-10 class to a school with no tradition, ancient facilities, no recent success of any kind, and an unfortunate history with John "I'm Transferring Because of this Cable Bill" Buetjer, it began its full-fledged investigation when it received tapes of phone calls recorded by Tennessee men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

I'd roll out a new Big 12 (NOT Big XII, you pompous Rome-loving jackasses) with Northwestern and Penn State out and Notre Dame, Nebraska, and Iowa State in. East/West Divisions would be far too east-heavy, so we're taking the ACC way out and saying the first division is Michigan, MSU, tOSU, Indiana, Purdue, and Illinois, and the second division is ND, Iowa, ISU, Wisky, Minny, and Big Red. How much fun would that be? Plus, four of the most neurotic fan bases on the planet would all be involved. Penn State would be rolled into the Big East (which desperately needs a big football name) at the expense of Tampa Community College, er, USF. Northwestern would take its rightful place in the MAC.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

Well, under the new world order, each conference would have a championship game (that means we'll only have 9 conferences after the Mountain West is rolled into the Pac-12, WAC, and Big XII, and CUSA is cannibalized by the Big East and combined with the Sun Belt). Nine conference champions, 7 at-large selections, 16 teams, winner-take-all, with the Championship played on January 1 at the Rose Bowl.

Last season, it would have given us Wake, Boomer Sooner, Louisville (even with expansion), tOSU, Florida, Houston, USC, Boise State, Central Michigan, Big Blue, Texas, Wisky, Arkansas, Auburn, LSU, and West Virginia. Dear God, would that be fun. And the also-rans could play bowl games. That way, Notre Dame can still get rich.

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

Dick Cheney. He'd make USC invade Iran.