Chizik Christ Superstar

Here's the story. Jamie has some booster money to throw around, now that the basketball program has stopped sponsoring Jamaal Tinsley's illegitimate children. The Man Who Would be Dan McCarney uses said money to hire a chaplain, and Lames now has their pink locker room...

A petition has been started by four Iowa State professors opposing the introduction of chaplains to athletic programs by Gene Chizik, head football coach.

The petition was started by Hector Avalos, associate professor religious studies; Warren Blumenfeld, assistant professor in curriculum and instruction; William David, university professor in music; and Ellen Fairchild, lecturer in curriculum and instruction.

The petition states "We, the undersigned faculty members at Iowa State University, strongly oppose any effort to introduce chaplains or any other form of religious counseling, whether publicly or privately funded, into any part of our athletic programs. Such an effort by our football coach Gene Chizik has been reported in the local press."

The petition goes on to say that such a position would violate the establishment clause in the First Amendment in the U.S. Constitution.

In an e-mail response to the four professors, Jamie Pollard, Iowa State athletic director, wrote that "no one, including Coach Gene Chizik, intends, has or will force any student-athlete to take part in any spiritual activity." In the e-mail, Pollard likens the chaplain position to other services provided to student-athletes.

"Much like we have offered our student-athletes access to drug and alcohol counselors, sports psychologists, nutritionists, hypnotists, physical therapists, learning specialists, chiropractors, physicians, etc., we are now going to also provide access to a spiritual advisor," he wrote.

Pollard wrote in the e-mail that the chaplain will be funded by private, not public money.

Seems that Gene-o and Jamie got themselves into quite a conundrum here. Keep the chaplain and all those radical liberals in the Ames veterenary medicine and home ec programs will nip at the heels of the football team until the student body starts wearing sarcastic t-shirts (and seeing the level of intelligence and the sheer totality of 50 cotton/50 poly needed to clothe the ISU women, that may never happen). Lose the chaplain and God will likely smote them. This is quite the Catch-22. And that is coincidental, as the Joseph Heller classic chronicled the last time someone hired a chaplain.

But my favorite part of this story is that a football team playing its games in a glorified cow pasture with virtually no donor base sees no better way to spend booster dollars than to hire a chaplain. Couldn't that money be better spent on things like weights, stadium seats, or paved roads?

Couldn't Gene do us all a favor and put ISU sororities on NutriSystem?
Because if there's anyone who needs the Glycemic Advantage, it's this girl.

By the way, just as a reminder, Iowa State lost to Iowa in football, basketball, wrestling, and baseball (by default) last year. Seems like God has already made up his mind, Gene.