CBS - Let's just get the Big Kahuna out of the way immediately. I'm a Vikings fan, and an NFC guy in general, so I don't watch too many games on CBS (especially since they own one HD camera). I watch even fewer with the sound. I didn't believe there could be anything more annoying than the Fox robot.
And then I spent 4 hours with Phil Simms and Jim Nantz.
I've always hated Nantz (dubbed "King of the WASPs by Deadspin last year), never more so than after the selection show last year (when he and Billy Packer bitched for half an hour about the inclusion of George Mason and Wichita State...whoops). The cheezy puns, the neverending pursuit of lame human interest angles, the maniacal grin with Hootie Johnson in the Butler Cabin (just kidding; I love that grin). It's all obnoxious, and it all plays to casual fans and morons.
It's bad enough that we're subjected to him for at least three of the greatest sporting events of the year (Selection Sunday, the Final Four, and the Masters), especially since he's inevitably paired with a blowhard who can't tell his ass from his elbow. But this year he does the Super Bowl, and he does it with the Mother of All Blowhards, Phil Simms.
Ah, Phil Simms, a man who spends most of each Sunday telling us about football despite having medium-grade Voice Immodulation Syndrome (also known as Van Orton's Disease). He constantly rips fantasy football players with a level of consescension generally reserved for art majors and Sean Salisbury. He repeats basic points of the game of football ad nauseum (for instance, he told us you counter a pass rush with draws and screens - a concept understood by most 12-year-olds - at least seven times yesterday). He is the textbook definition of an obnoxious blowhard. And I have to listen to these two during the Super Bowl? Holy hell, people, are there no decent broadcasters left? Can't we get Chris Berman to make a PSA, talking about how easy it is to pick up leather-clad blondes when you're a sportscaster, just so someone might stop this ridiculousness? And I haven't even talked about the CBS studio show yet...
Bill Simmons - Your team lost. They blew it. And you came out Monday and said just that, and it was slightly noble of you. Of course, you then somehow tied it to the 2004 Red Sox, and I hate you again. And, oh, by the way, your Friday column (a direct counter to a column at Kissing Suzy Colbert) made absolutely no sense. Then again, most of what I post doesn't make any sense, either. So we're in good company.
NutriSystem - OK, I'll bite: What the hell is the glycemic index? And how do we tell "good carbs" from "bad carbs"?
Boomer Esiason's Eyebrows - Bad News: They were apparently drawn on by Elaine Benes, just as Uncle Leo's were. And they have the same sinister downward slant. Good News: It gives you something to think about while Shannon Sharpe is attempting to explain the trap play. In sanskrit.
Bears - Or, more to the point, the Bear fan who put up this sign:
It's this kind of sportsmanship and tact that got the Cubs cursed. Stay classy, Chicago.
News Stories on American Idol - Did anyone else catch this last week? There was a flood of "American Idol is getting too mean" stories. Forget, for a moment, that nobody on Idol has openly blasted New Orleans (at least not that I'm aware of), but why is this news? To blatantly steal from Lewis Black, questioning whether American Idol is too mean is about #74 on our list of important questions, right behind "Are we eating too much garlic as a people?"
The Experts' Opinions - There will certainly be more on this in the next couple of weeks (I'm absolutely doing the First Annual Super Bowl Prop Bet Roundup), but Bears +7? Really?
Truthiness - In the wake of the Colbert/O'Reilly throwdown last week, I don't even know if the concept exists anymore...