OK, let's get to it.
On Saturday, December 30, at 3:00 P.M., the Iowa Hawkeyes will face off with the Texas Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl. Yes, that's right. What better way to end the most disappointing season in recent memory than a game with the #16 team in the country, the defending national champion, in their own backyard? We'll get to the breakdown of this game closer to kickoff (believe me, it ain't pretty), but you've all been waiting for a target list.
I've never really had a problem with Texas. I've always found them somewhat pathetic, to tell you the truth. But that's not going to stop me from putting them on notice:
Guys in cowboy costumes: OK, so my position on Lames is pretty well-known. I loathe them. And that picture of the ISU Greek parade was quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen. At least until I saw this:
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Up until this point, I didn't really have a problem with UT. Now, I want to stomp them just to ruin these douchebags' weekends. And yes, by the way, I think that's Brandon Flowers from The Killers on the left. Somebody told me...he is a jackass...
Mack Brown: This guy is a treat. Look, he did an awfully good job with North Carolina before coming to Texas, he recruits pretty well (for having the nation's best non-Florida recruiting base), and he seems like a pretty decent guy, but the man is a pathetic game coach. If you haven't noticed, it's not too often that Mack comes from behind to win. It's even less often that he beats a team with anywhere near the same talent as his. UT almost never wins a close game, and rarely even competes with talented squads. Every season, he loses to at least one team with comparable talent (this season, tOSU), one team with a vendetta against Texas that he can't match (A&M; Brown has been saved up to this season by the equally inept Dennis "Tears of Thunder" Franccione), and one team that doesn't deserve to be in the game with his team (K State and, maybe, Iowa). Mack routinely makes such great football minds as Lloyd Carr and Ron Zook look positively brilliant.
And then he won a championship, and he beat USC to do it. I can't figure it out, either. Nevertheless, he is the reason I think Iowa has an outside chance.
Austin, TX: The home of the University of Texas and, by all accounts, a completely enjoyable place to live. I've never been there, and I don't have any ammunition against the city.
Except, of course, for this.
The Wikipedia entry for Austin states: "Two of the candidates for President in the 2004 race call Austin home. Michael Badnarik, mentioned above as the Libertarian Party candidate, and David Cobb of the Green Party both have lived in Austin." Of course, there was a third candidate who once called Austin home: President Bush. I guess nobody wants to claim the poor bastard anymore.
The Wonderlic Test: Vince Young did not graduate from UT. Apparently, it's kind of amazing he lasted three years, considering he scored a six on the fifty-point Wonderlic test that is administered to NFL Draft applicants. That's right. Six. It's a multiple choice test, so Barbaro would theoretically score about 12. The president of Wonderlic, Inc. has said "A score of 10 is literacy. That's all I can say." Of course, that means the average ISU graduate averages about 9. And yet Young, the savior of Texas football and the player who could overcome the walking mental deficiency that is Mack Brown is, ironically enough, mentally deficient.
By the way, Vince has been ca$h money in the National Football League since taking over in Tennessee. Doesn't this prove that Ron Jaworski may be slightly overthinking this game?
Gene Chizik: Former UT defensive coordinator. New head coach in Lames. Natural object of my scorn.
Roger Clemens: Look, I loved the man. He screwed the Red Sox, won a couple of championships with the Yankees, threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza, and then retired.
Except that, he didn't. He had a year left on his contract and walked away in most glorified way possible (including standing ovations in Fenway during the ALCS and Yankee Stadium during Game 3 of the World Freakin' Series), only to show up five months later in Houston. Steinbrenner, who had given Clemens a motorcycle for his retirement, was so angry that he took the bike back. Why was nobody other than me and Big Stein angry about this? Why wasn't there a 10-part Bob Ley special, with live feeds from Pedro Gomez from the bushes outside Clemens' house? Last season, he holds Houston hostage (alliteration, anyone?), and now he's talking about coming back to the Bronx. You know what? I don't want you back.
Reefer Madness: Ricky Williams. Former Heisman winner and NCAA career rushing yardage leader. A player so good he forced Mike Ditka into a dreadlock wig. Now?
...Well, not so much with the greatness. Puff puff pass pass, Mr. Williams.
UT Cheerleaders: Just an excuse to show you this: