Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Notice Board: Alamo Bowl Edition

OK, let's get to it.

On Saturday, December 30, at 3:00 P.M., the Iowa Hawkeyes will face off with the Texas Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl. Yes, that's right. What better way to end the most disappointing season in recent memory than a game with the #16 team in the country, the defending national champion, in their own backyard? We'll get to the breakdown of this game closer to kickoff (believe me, it ain't pretty), but you've all been waiting for a target list.

I've never really had a problem with Texas. I've always found them somewhat pathetic, to tell you the truth. But that's not going to stop me from putting them on notice:

Guys in cowboy costumes: OK, so my position on Lames is pretty well-known. I loathe them. And that picture of the ISU Greek parade was quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen. At least until I saw this:

3 Reasons to Mess With Texas

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Up until this point, I didn't really have a problem with UT. Now, I want to stomp them just to ruin these douchebags' weekends. And yes, by the way, I think that's Brandon Flowers from The Killers on the left. Somebody told me...he is a jackass...

Mack Brown: This guy is a treat. Look, he did an awfully good job with North Carolina before coming to Texas, he recruits pretty well (for having the nation's best non-Florida recruiting base), and he seems like a pretty decent guy, but the man is a pathetic game coach. If you haven't noticed, it's not too often that Mack comes from behind to win. It's even less often that he beats a team with anywhere near the same talent as his. UT almost never wins a close game, and rarely even competes with talented squads. Every season, he loses to at least one team with comparable talent (this season, tOSU), one team with a vendetta against Texas that he can't match (A&M; Brown has been saved up to this season by the equally inept Dennis "Tears of Thunder" Franccione), and one team that doesn't deserve to be in the game with his team (K State and, maybe, Iowa). Mack routinely makes such great football minds as Lloyd Carr and Ron Zook look positively brilliant.

And then he won a championship, and he beat USC to do it. I can't figure it out, either. Nevertheless, he is the reason I think Iowa has an outside chance.
"Oh God, Vince, thank you for winning despite my incompetence!"

Austin, TX: The home of the University of Texas and, by all accounts, a completely enjoyable place to live. I've never been there, and I don't have any ammunition against the city.

Except, of course, for this.

The Wikipedia entry for Austin states: "Two of the candidates for President in the 2004 race call Austin home. Michael Badnarik, mentioned above as the Libertarian Party candidate, and David Cobb of the Green Party both have lived in Austin." Of course, there was a third candidate who once called Austin home: President Bush. I guess nobody wants to claim the poor bastard anymore.

The Wonderlic Test: Vince Young did not graduate from UT. Apparently, it's kind of amazing he lasted three years, considering he scored a six on the fifty-point Wonderlic test that is administered to NFL Draft applicants. That's right. Six. It's a multiple choice test, so Barbaro would theoretically score about 12. The president of Wonderlic, Inc. has said "A score of 10 is literacy. That's all I can say." Of course, that means the average ISU graduate averages about 9. And yet Young, the savior of Texas football and the player who could overcome the walking mental deficiency that is Mack Brown is, ironically enough, mentally deficient.

By the way, Vince has been ca$h money in the National Football League since taking over in Tennessee. Doesn't this prove that Ron Jaworski may be slightly overthinking this game?

Gene Chizik: Former UT defensive coordinator. New head coach in Lames. Natural object of my scorn.

Roger Clemens: Look, I loved the man. He screwed the Red Sox, won a couple of championships with the Yankees, threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza, and then retired.

Except that, he didn't. He had a year left on his contract and walked away in most glorified way possible (including standing ovations in Fenway during the ALCS and Yankee Stadium during Game 3 of the World Freakin' Series), only to show up five months later in Houston. Steinbrenner, who had given Clemens a motorcycle for his retirement, was so angry that he took the bike back. Why was nobody other than me and Big Stein angry about this? Why wasn't there a 10-part Bob Ley special, with live feeds from Pedro Gomez from the bushes outside Clemens' house? Last season, he holds Houston hostage (alliteration, anyone?), and now he's talking about coming back to the Bronx. You know what? I don't want you back.

Reefer Madness: Ricky Williams. Former Heisman winner and NCAA career rushing yardage leader. A player so good he forced Mike Ditka into a dreadlock wig. Now?

...Well, not so much with the greatness. Puff puff pass pass, Mr. Williams.

UT Cheerleaders: Just an excuse to show you this:

Man, did I pick the wrong school.


Anonymous said...

Hawkeye State You Must be up for the "DUMBEST AH IN THE WORLD AWARD. The first question is how many times in the last 10 years have you beaten the team from LAMES. The Lames team would like to play you for a living!! What ever Mack Brown did at NC. got him one of the top 3-4 jobs in the country (The U of Texas) with over a 2 million dollor contract. As dumb as you are I can understand why you would say "He ( Coach Brown)won a national championship. He beat USC to do it. I can't figure it out". Most "AH" that do not understand the game of college football would not be able to figure it out. How about just giving the man (COACH BROWN) his do respect and say he must be a pretty good coach. Poor coaches do not get one of the top jobs in the country, earn over 2 million a year, win a national championship against on of the best all time college offensive football teams ever and year in and year out get one of the top 3 recruiting classes. Sounds like Coach Brown is a pretty good coach to me.

Having read your post I know you would have scored a 1 on the Wonderlic test. However, they only give the test to pro football players not people trying out for the "AH" team of the world!!!

HawkeyeState said...

Nice comeback. VERY articulate. And good luck against Jacksonville this week, Mr. Young.

Kevin said...

On August 21, 2005, Lawrence Phillips was arrested for assault after allegedly driving a car into three teenagers, following a dispute with the teens during a pick-up football game in Los Angeles, California. At the time of the arrest, Phillips was wanted by San Diego in connection with two alleged domestic abuse incidents involving a former girlfriend, who claimed that Phillips choked her to the point of unconsciousness during one of the incidents. In addition, Los Angeles police were seeking Phillips in connection with yet another, separate domestic abuse allegation that occurred previously in Los Angeles.

In March, 2006, the Associated Press reported that Phillips had been ordered to stand trial on felony assault charges stemming from the August 21, 2005 incident. The assigned judge dismissed two counts of child abuse and one count of leaving the scene of an accident arising from the same incident.

On October 10, 2006, Phillips was found guilty of seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon. He faces up to 20 years in state prison. A sentencing date has not yet been set.

Another Big 12 person who has earned over 2 million a year and won a nat'l championship.....
Shall we give him his "do [sic] respect" as well????

Get a clue anonymous!

And remember, only two things come out of Texas.....

Kevin said...

and another thing anonymous...apparently texas calendars, or your limited mental capacity, only allow you to go back 10 years. Check the overall series record between Iowa and ISU.

Irish Hawk said...


Poor coaches consistently get offered top coaching positions and make good money. Example - Bob Davie wasn't a good coach and he was head coach at Notre Dame where he made a hefty salary.

Poor coaches do sometimes win national championships. It is called TALENT. No one disputes that Brown is an excellent recruiter and that is why he wins. He gets talent. Another recruiter who isn't a good game coach was Steve Fisher and he has a National Championship. See also Larry Coker (has a National Championship because his team was loaded with talent and has now destroyed the team.

Also, I agree with the girls at UT I should have went there. That is one of the reasons I considered going to the bowl.

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