Saturday, September 09, 2006

Yeah, I Knew it All Along...Bring on State

OK, so Iowa survived. Not a whole lot more to say here except:

1. I'm still not faulting Jason Manson (you expect a few turnovers from a career backup, and 2 of the picks weren't on him), but please, PLEASE bring Tate back next week. I'm begging you.

2. Gutsiest performance by an Iowa defense since, well, as long as I can remember. Six plays from the goaline and nothing from it.

3. Greg Robinson: Mack Brown called and said your playcalling was spectacular. Ron Zook wants your playbook.

Iowa State plays UNLV tonight. I heard Jerry Tarkanian coaches that team, and Stacy Augmon plays at strong safety. Could be wrong, though. But, at least for Iowa, the day is over. So let's get to it. Hawkeyes-Yokels it is.

It's early, but let's talk about appearance. Iowa is considered a solid liberal arts college in a cosmopolitan community. It is cultured, sophisticated, mature. Iowa sees Iowa State as a nuisance. They are fun to beat, but there is a larger prize at stake at the end of the year.

For ISU, this IS the season. After this game, football only gets in the way of Nascar races and tractor pulls, even for their players. They play in a cornfield with bleachers. They join fraternities. They destroy their campus every year solely for the sake of those fraternities. Crude. Barbaric. Destined to require government subsidies. That's Iowa State.

See, this situation is best illustrated by the famous Patrick Swayze/Chris Farley skit on SNL, when Adrien (Swayze) and Barney (Farley) are trying out as Chippendale dancers. Iowa is Adrien. It's confident. It's classically trained. It's built like a dump truck. It's the safe pick. Iowa State is Barney: overweight, disgusting. butt crack sticking out of the top of its pants, just hoping against hope that it can get this job or it's back on unemployment. That's why they play so hard against Iowa. Hawkeyes have a chance, albeit outside, of getting drafted and playing professionally. When they don't get drafted, they can fall back on their education and become doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc. For Iowa State, this is another four years of high school. This is all the glory that is left. There's nothing at the end of that tunnell but mama's basement, a poster of a girl you'll never get, and a Natty Light. And the absolute worst thing that could have happened for you just occurred: Iowa got a scare. They will spend the next week preparing to crush you. And crush you they will, because this isn't a team preparing for a pushover. This is a team prepared for a fight. This is a team that will play at a level you cannot match. And they're playing in an actual stadium and not a pasture.

ISU might win tonight. I hope they do. But my message to you, Clones: Enjoy the glory while you can. You'll be taking that combine back home next week with your tail between your legs (if your sheep would keep their tails there, Cyclone arrests would be cut in half). In the infamous words of Kevin Bacon, "Your boys are goin' down. There's nothing I can do about that now."


Fish said...

You are gonna regret this post on Saturday night!

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