Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Juggernaut, Week One

So, the Viqueens don't play until Monday night, but a quick rundown on the first couple hours of the opening Sunday of the National Football League.*

PLAYS OF THE WEEK - I liked the Eagles at -5.5 (win), a 3-team 6-point teaser that included Carolina, Seattle, and Indy (loss on Carolina), Da Bears at -3.5, and Bears/Pack under 35 (both pending). I also don't have a problem with Minny/Skins over 34.5 tomorrow night.

VIDEO GAME MOMENT OF THE WEEK - I don't have Sunday Ticket and haven't yet looked for a place to watch nine games at once, but I think we can call this one. After the Bears bore down for a field goal in the second quarter, Samkon Gado made the worst wedge return I've seen in a while. He literally ran into the back of his blocker and fell down. It looked like a kick return on the old John Madden Football for Super Nintendo (hereafter SNES). It was made in 1993, and didn't have a year after it because this little software company called EA Sports didn't yet know if there would be a John Madden Football 1994. I wonder how that worked out for them.... Anyway, the best part of that game was that you could call your defense early (dime package, LB blitz was completely unstoppable), then run across the line and beat up the opposing team in their huddle without ramifications.

In any case, it was an atrocious kick return. Domo oregato, Samkon Gado. Domo indeed.

JIMMY FALLON MOMENT OF THE WEEK - Has anyone else noticed that the annoying guy in the Mac/PC commercials is about ready to crack up every time the PC guy (John Hodgman, who is hilarious on the Daily Show) does something mildly funny? It's not exactly Professor Roger Claven offering lamb shanks to the weary business traveler Dave and the archery-loving Ms. Barbara Hernandez in the Welshly Arms Hotel hot tub, is it?

"I was just hanging my agent over the side of the Brill
Building and had Saturday Night Live on my Watchman"

WORST TEAM IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE* - The Green Bay Packers. And it's not even close. They're making the Bears offense look like the 2002 Rams.

RANDOM RANT AGAINST TELEVISION - Normally, I'd simply attempt to estimate how much time was spent on T.O.** on ESPN Sunday Countdown, but I'll save that for later. Instead, let's discuss the Fox robots. As in, did anyone else notice the return of the idiotic Fox robots? I couldn't believe they brought those back, either, until I read this article in USA Today last month:

The network surveyed viewers, Fox senior vice president Gary Hartley says, and found that Fox's many sound effects, blinking lights and animated graphics were seen as "pointless and annoying."

So they'll be reduced. However, he says, Fox is bringing back the on-screen robots that pop up on its coverage: 'We found we've lost some of the attitude we've projected in the past. Robots are sacred ground for that."

Let me get this straight: That sound effect that Fox used for every scoreboard change, which I think was ripped off from Robert Palmer's "Simply Irresistable" was annoying, but an animated robot doing the Roger Rabbit at the end of every commercial break is edgy? Who ARE these people? Also, nice use of "sacred ground." Schumer and Pataki used the same language this morning to describe Ground Zero as you did in describing fake robots. Not to mention that robots can't be sacred ground because they aren't ground at all.

By the way, the Fox National Football League* telecast has never - I repeat, NEVER - been more annoying than it has today. And the guy on their halftime show just confused Donovan McNabb and Daunte Culpepper. The Dancing Bear played two days ago and sucks at life.

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WEEK...NO, MONTH...NO, EVER (PART ONE) - The Hardee's jalapeno thickburger. Just about anyone who knows me knows that I love Hardee's and I love spicy food. This seemed like a dream come true. After seeing a commercial in the second quarter of the Chiefs/Bungles game, I went and got one. Not that spicy. Not that thick. VERY disappointing. The seasoned curly fries were as good as ever, though.

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WEEK...NO, MONTH...NO, EVER (PART TWO)- The War at Home is back? Really? Arrested Development didn't even get to finish its third season, but this steaming pile of crap comes back? I would be outraged, but then I remembered that the decision was made by the same people who thought robots were edgy.

FUNNIEST RUNNING JOKE OF THE DAY - The Fox telecast (I know, I'm beating a dead horse) keeps showing this clip of Jacksonville fans before going to commercial. The fans appear to be doing the tomahawk chop or repeatldly signaling for a first down. One guy, right in the middle of the screen, is wearing a beret. Someone explain to me how Jacksonville got a National Football League* franchise. I now wish them ill.

OK, halftime is coming to a close. Someone call Lovie and tell him to run the ball on every play in the second half. Until then...

* - I have been notified that using anything other than "National Football League" to describe the National Football League is in violation of copyrights, trademarks, and the Wisconsin penal code. Seriously, ask Mark Schlereth.

** - I would normally call him Terrell Owens, but his name has officially been changed to T.O. It's like when Mark Jackson became Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.

1 comment:

Irish Hawk said...

Couple of things:

1. Glad to know about the spicy thickburger, it looked good.

2. Read an article about Zach Braff on TVGuide and he said they were trying to bring David Cross in to play Tobious, the actual Arrested Development character in an episode of Scrubs. They have to work it out with Fox and the writers though. That would be great.

3. Shannon Sharpe is hilarious when he does the commentary on today's games at halftime.

4. Bought Blondie greatest hits the other day. Fabulous.