Thursday, September 07, 2006

Call Drew Tate, it's Iowa State (well, almost)

This week, the Hawks get the Syracuse Orangemen (I refuse to acknowledge their name change out of spite). They are terrible. Some quick facts about the Orangemen:

1. Their coach is Greg Robinson. He was once an assistant to Mack Brown. Not exactly learning from the master. He attended the University of the Pacific, the school that hoisted Michael Olowokandi onto an unsuspecting populous. Let's just say it's not too late to put Jim Calhoun in charge of football, too.

2. They won one game last year and have lost 10 in a row. Cheer up, 'Cuse fans. Ferentz did that at first, too. Things will get better. Unfortunately, they aren't beating Iowa unless Donovan McNabb is throwing passes to Carmelo Anthony.

3. They have a 5'4" walk-on kick returner. I have nothing more to say here.

4. I'll give them this: Their mascot is the coolest this side of Stanford, Otto the Orange.

5. Anyone who buys a ticket for Sunday's game gets a free ticket to a basketball game. You don't even have to donate a non-perishable food item.

Now, I know Captain Kirk would normally say that Iowa takes it one game at a time and doesn't look ahead. However, I've never actually played for Iowa (I usually show my support by drinking beer), so I can look ahead if I want. And a mere eight days from now, the Mighty Mighty Cardinals come to town. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Put away your "duelie" pickups, your Copenhagen, and, most importantly, your sheep. Iowa State is coming to Kinnick.

Most people like golf or tennis or bowling or, if you're from Iowa State, cow chip tossing. I, however, prefer ISU heckling as my favorite participation sport. And, since Otto the Orange is playing left tackle on Saturday afternoon, I think we can get a head start. So, for the freshmen, a primer on Iowa State taunting:
  • Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is out of line. This isn't Montana. This isn't Indiana. This isn't even Ohio State. This is Iowa State. They only care about one game each season, mostly because they can't count to two. Be sure to use that. Anyway, ruthlessness rules.
  • You go to Iowa. That means you are, by definition, more intelligent than anyone at Iowa State. You're smarter than any of their alumni. You're smarter than their faculty. Taunt one of their fans, then ask them to identify each of the nouns, verbs, and dangling modifiers in your statement. If you're playing beer pong, be sure to slowly tell them how many cups are left and explain the concept of subtraction as much as possible.
  • Other, completely obvious ammunition: Julius Michalik, Fred Hoiberg, Marcus Fizer, Jamaal Tinsley and his role in the Indiana/Detroit riot, losing to Hampton and their fat troll coach in the first round, losing to Mateen Cleaves and Michigan State, Troy Davis and his brother Darrin (for anyone still wearing one of these jokers' jerseys, walk up and, in a severe stutter, thank them for supporting you during this particularly dark period of your life), inappropriate behavior with livestock, Dan McCarney's police record, Curtis Stinson's draft status, the pesky Toledo Rockets (and, after this weekend, the UNLV Running Rebels) and THE MOTHER OF ALL IOWA STATE PUNCHING BAGS...LARRY EUSTACHY
  • When a redneck with a soft pack of Winstons, a pair of overalls, and a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee Ice shows up at your tailgate, let it rip. Never stop. Leave him looking like one of those early Mike Tyson opponents.
  • If you're in Kinnick and one of these jackasses starts coming up your row, politely ask him to wipe the manure off his shoe before coming into the stadium next time.
  • Keep a copy of the AP poll, the coaches poll, and the US News college rankings in your pocket at all times.
Follow this advice, and you'll do fine. Just remember, when Iowa has scored 40 points, that there's no D in Iowa State.

More to come as the week progresses.

2 comments:

darrel hannock said...

this is ridiculous. you must be completely bored. I have a bet out on dallas at minus one and also on the seahawks today (-7). gidde up. give me a call if you get time. I'm over at donny and walsh's joint.

MO

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